Wow, I'm Going to Talk About Movies!

As usual, this is going to be about two things that are only sort of related. First of all, real quickly, I want to talk about Hollywood remaking stuff. Then I am going to talk about how Steven Spielberg is a pussy. But first, remaking movies. I was going out to see Nacho Libre, and that was a hair under okay, but it has nothing to do with this post. After a moderately successful World Cup party (and a barely successful World Cup game), my roommates were watching the remake of The Pink Panther. Well I don't even know if they liked it. I saw it in the theater, and I at least didn't feel like it was some sort of cynical thing. Steve Martin at least cares. He even cared about Cheaper by the Dozen. But that they had to make a new Pink Panther movie isn't exactly what I'm talking about.

I'm more talking about cashing in on our more dubious pop culture history. Like The Dukes of Hazzard, and crap like that. I mean how filthy is that? Swear to god, I never saw it. So here's the thing. My meager understanding of Hollywood burns this scenario into my bean. A long time ago, there was a story about two guys who drove fast. And when Johnny Badwriter pitches it, he says the magic words: "Sort of like TDoH." Well some jaded, jaded movie prick, the money guy, the producer (I wanted to italicize that, implying a sort of Mr. Burns evil to it...a heck of a burden to place on italics, and easily lost since with all the titles so far, it might not have the punch I was looking for) says, "Let's just make TDoH."

See, he, being so caloused, knows a secret. If it is sort of like some crappy old TV show, everybody, US, will just call it a rip-off of that crappy show. Hollywood remaking crap is just their pre-emptive strike. They take an arrow out of Ebert's quiver. He's going to hate it either way, and he's going to say it is unoriginal either way. Both criticisms are likely justified. But he can't say it's a rip-off, at least. Of course he CAN say, if somehow he is a purist, that it isn't enough like the original. But purists usually come off as fanatics, and those people are funny.

So yeah, either way, you were going to get a crappy movie about two guys and a fast car. It's just that in some way, being deriviative is about 1% worse than just bastardizing our childhood. It's a value judgement. An accountant probably makes the call. It's a fine line. The shorter path might actually also be, just maybe maybe maybe, the slightly less nefarious one. It's the Kobayashi Maru! Shortcuts just seem evil.

And it's not like you can rely on other aspects from the production. I mean, John Singleton went from Boyz in the Hood to 2 Fast 2 Furious. And Robert Rodriguez went from El Mariachi to Spy Kids...THEN TO Sin City! And 2 Fast 2 Furious had one character in common with the first movie. And the new one apparently has no common characters. Why not just call it Tokyo Drift? I mean sure, having it be part of the franchise is probably worth 5 million bucks, maybe more, so I should prolly just let the boys in accounting name every movie. But by wringing the last juice out of an older franchise, aren't they forsaking a possible new franchise? I mean I seriously doubt there will be a fourth Fast and Furious movie. But there could have been another Tokyo Drift... if it didn't suck and enough people bought the DVD.

Now, speaking of not being able to rely on other aspects of the production to decide what movie to see. Let's look at Steven Spielberg's new project. It's called Monster House and it looks awesome. To me, and it's probably because he hitched his wagon to Tom Cruise two too many times, but a lot of his recent summer movies have sucked. Yeah, I'll say it. War of the Worlds and Minority Report sucked. Passionless, cynical bullshit. But Spielberg has a studio to save. the $50 million bump you get from Tom Cruise even after his salary is real, cold business. I get it. But other than by Cameron Crowe, ONCE, Tom Cruise has never been directed.

And don't throw Magnolia in my face, because he was just acting like Tom Cruise. And I mean the real Tom Cruise, not Maverick/Cole Trickle, which is his character.

Back to Spielberg. I know he can still be involved in thoughtful and sincere projects. Catch Me if You Can, The Terminal, those were good movies. And not necessarily Oscar grabs or movies that he is sentimental about, like the good Munich and the obviously excellent Schindler's List.

First of all, how cool is it that he is so talented he can "turn it on" like he's an athelete. Like he's Jerry Rice. That he can go from summer blockbuster to Oscar-able is just frikking cool. But in some ways, he used to do both at the same time. We just didn't know it. He's responsible for some things that we all love. Yeah, he amazed us with Minority Report, but we love Indiana Jones. We love The Goonies. Test: Name the the lead character in Minority Report? War of the Worlds? Now name the computer programmer for Jurassic Park? Yeah, the correct answers are blank, blank and Nedry.

The Goonies brings me back to my original point, too. Monster House is about a house that becomes evil, not haunted, just evil, and eats things throughout a neighborhood. Three kids have to fight the house and save the neighborhood. This sounds like it should be just about the coolest movie he has done in a while (he's producing, along with Zemeckis, but I think he's always directing a little). Except for one catch. It's a computer animated movie. Now I don't know if it was pitched as an animated feature. The director has zero on his IMDb credits, and the writers have no previous movie or animated feature type experience. I mean if it comes out that the director was the character designer for Shrek or something, then I guess I get it, but still...

Doesn't this just seem like the sort of movie Spielberg could have thrown $40 million dollars at, got some cute kids, and just absolutely went to town. I guess we all would have just called it a Poltergeist wannabe. Well I'm going to see it. It looks great. I just hope I remember it. I hope I love it.

Dear Movie Making People,

We really want to love movies. You just make it so hard...

Win-Win!

Okay, so three people committed suicide at Gitmo. Okay, they shouldn't be there. You can check my opinions on this topic with a dart. That should be a google tool. Sort of like a random link on a site. If such a tool existed, you'd stumble onto a previous post about how W and Co. are pissing all over me to distract me while they shred the Constitution. Well now three people killed themselves. Were they bad people? Who knows. All I can do is opt to trust or not trust our government. Well they're not doing so well so far. Actually, either they are morons or liars or a wicked melange (excellent band name...I'm thinking zydeco) of the two. Oh, and a bunch of people that just don't care, or worse, care about the wrong stuff, are mixed in too.

Well the Admiral that's running Gitmo, or at least the prison camp, Rear Admiral Harris is a genius. This is no neo-com dipshit. He's the next Cheney. The next Rummy. He said that it was a PR stunt. Okay, fair but sort of heavyhanded. Comparing people illegally detained, even if you are just following orders, to David Blaine, is probably sort of wrong. But honestly, at least in the greater scheme, terrorism is all PR. I accept all that. And hell, maybe being a little crude at the wrong time, well it takes some steam away from Joe Suicide Bomber. Doubtful, but possible.

Then, as Joe Suicide Bomber kicks the ground dejectedly, you go and build him up, Harris! "I believe this was not an act of desperation, but an act of assymetrical warfare waged against us." Wow, that's some spin. Other nightowls might have noticed Full Metal Jacket is on HBO, seemingly right when I should go to sleep. Hell, last time it was on, Carlito's Way was on HBO2! I could flip back and forth between cool. It was unavoidable. But right now I can't help but think about the scene where they say that "search and destroy" has been replaced with "sweep and clear." EXCEPT TIMES 10!

Here's a math lesson. Or a logic lesson. As the MythBusters say, "Warning! Science Content!" Things have to be the same on both sides. Here is the symetry of war. They kill our people, we kill their people. If they are fighting an assymetrical war, then we are killing their people AND they are killing themselves. Wow. Now honestly, if these were badguys and they were killing themselves anywhere but our illegal prison, hell, I'm all for this assymetrical warfare. Like if suicide bombers would just run away from police stations and bus stops to abandoned parking garages and blew themselves up. Cool. But being on our soil, they get a pass. And in getting a pass, we still look like shit.

But man, how about that for spin. That's some Globetrotter spin there. Assymetrical warfare? Man, did he think of that? Has he been waiting for this interview? It's like the 'Jerk Store' episode of Seinfeld. They were probably leaving belts lying around, hoping there would be a hanging or two. Then when there was, the question gets asked. General George Costanza pipes up, "Oh yeah, well the assymetrical warfare store called and they're ALL OUT OF YOU!... Because you killed yourselves." The thing is, apparently assymetrical warfare inspires symetrical warfare.

That's not working for us either. And one last thing... We've got enough bad PR. There would be no trade deficit if bad PR counted.

Credit Where Credit is Due

No matter how stupid and annoying people sound, especially when they disagree with me, I gotta admit, "God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve" cracks me up everytime. That's some funny shit.

Before Congress Does It...

I want to try and define "marriage." This isn't anything but a survey, and I cheated, and thank you to the people at Bible Gateway. Nice Scripture Search Engine. Anyway, we gotta get this down. If I'm going to be a repository of fodder and ammunition my liberal, warrior friends, then so be it. All you need to do is ask ANY CHRISTIAN OR JEW where in the Bible marriage, down to the cermony, is defined. I'm pretty sure so far, in my research, that it isn't.

But the bachelor party is biblical! Here's the short end of it, and it's a short verse. At midnight, a bell rang and a herald cried out for everybody to come and meet the groom. A party perceived is a party acheived.

Okay, that's cool. That's sort of like when I used to play poker, and my Christian buddy said that gambling is okay, it's the derilict life that's the problem. He was right on both accounts. And when I asked him if it was biblical, he pointed out that Jesus chose a disciple by drawing lots. Gambling's gambling. Correctamundo.

I also learned in my research, that the concept of the wedding gown, the wedding gift, and the dowry are all biblical. You even had to have witnesses. All right there. But no real definition. No vows. Now it starts to get a little hazier. If there are no vows other than the old Catholic vows sort of grandfathered in, then it's not as clear. Worse, the Old Testament 100% screws things up. Multiple wives, buying wives, buying multiple wives (sale!), kidnapping wives (apparently usually they were pretty good about just kidnapping one wife...nice), taking wives as a spoil of war. Hmmmm. Of course, religious scholars are going to point out that the marriage rite was laid out in documents other than the Talmud, and Cristian "scholars" will be like, "Yeah, what that guy said." I did find out that contracts were sealed by taking off shoes (like Kruschev!). So that's talmudic law. Am I supposed to capitalize that? Talmudic?

Now yeah, it doesn't say there were ever two guys or two girls married, but it also never, apparently says that a marriage needs to be a product of love. Something we have taken for granted, but only in about the last hundred years. Before that, we might as well have been trading daughters for cattle. You know it. I know it.

And don't bring up the seed spilling deal. Man oh man, do we spill some seed. Yeah you too, you sanctimonious seed flinger!

Worse, how about the selective breeding and coupling of slaves. Not just our slaves. Slaves existed before America. It's always been a pretty crappy gig. Yeah. We have a pretty spotty history as far as defining what a marriage is. And it's a 5000+ year old tradition. All I'm saying is that we're talking about people that are doing something out of love. It's not some secret pagan ritual, their unholy bond written on an altar in your child's entrails. You know what? Even if you say they can't make each other legally they're still married. I'm making this a sequel to the pledge post. It's the same argument! You can't make somebody be sincere. Well you can't make them not sincere either. Amend away, pricks.

P.S., We know it's just a ploy to steal another election, but there's something bigger at stake here. It's the Constitution. If GOD didn't see fit to define it, why can you? Even trying to amend it is your legacy. Some appropriations bill will be forgotten, but you are choosing something hilarious and permanent. Yeah, in a hundred years everybody is going to know you were afraid of gay people. To you, they were worse than terrorists.

P.P.S., We know you're saving the flag burning amendment for 2008. Bring it. You're already burning the effing Constitution. Why not wrap it in a flag and make it a burrito. Oh yeah. The Mexicans.

P.P.P.S., I know I never defined marriage. Am I better than God, the Constitution and a couple of dudes in love? Not so far.

Hey Wankers, Get Your Own History!

You know, I understand that we export our history in the form of entertainment, and that like it or not, the whole world loves it, and just like us, they believe it, but sometimes I have to take exception. It is especially painful when my precious, precious Guardian botches things. In case you guys missed it while they were raiding away in Canada and nabbing some terrorists for real (people can gripe all they want about how the homosexual community has co-opted the word 'gay,' but imagine how Wes Craven feels when some nitwit straps C-4 and nails to himself... "I'm THE REAL Terrorist! I created Freddy!!!" Talk about a gyp, him and Clive Barker never even got to use the word), the MI-5, bane of 007 and his vaunted MI-6, raided a couple houses in Eastwestham, or Westeastham, I'm as mixed up as they are, anyway, they might have ended up raiding the wrong house.

Well sorry, but shit happens. I have no problem with the constabulary acting sincerely on a tip they thought was legit. It might not have been exactly true, of course. But if you read here at all, you know what I dislike. Yeah, the tipfarm we've got going over here thanks to the NSA and our friends, the telcos. But that's another post, I swear (I really don't want to keep talking politics, honest). What I want to talk about is what the limey lawyer said about the raid, which not only was directed on possible innocent folks, but actually went through some completely different innocent folks' business. Their metaphorical business, not their real business.

Anyway, somebody apparently took a machinegun butt to the noggin. He's right pissed, and rightfully so. And in a way, even if everything went off according to their maybe flimsy plan, he still, innocent though he remains, probably would have taken that butt to the brainpan. It's a tough, tough situation.

But what doesn't help the situation is that his lawyer says it was "like the old west." Really? How's that? Doesn't England have ANY history that parallels? Ghandi prolly thinks so. Hell, right or wrong, there's a lot of Irish guys that think so. How about "It was like Belfast in 1980." Take that one for a spin, England. See how that one fits.

It just feels sort of weird that for once we had nothing to do with a fuckup, and somehow we're still the standard. Was the Wild West all that great? No. Not as bad as the Wild, Wild West, but yeah, absolutely not too good. And you know what. I know we glorify it. But I think Bobby Brady learned his lesson about Jesse James (better than Sandra Bullock did). Can we atone for glorifying our brutal, violent past with one episode of The Brady Bunch? Probably not, especially since we have pretty much continued to idolize some pretty bad people. But just because there aren't a ton of movies about the rest of the world's bad shit doesn't mean none of it happened.

Team Players

Okay, so like I have previously said, I assume everybody that reads this either knows me or has read the libro. Just in case, I need to remind everybody again, except not in a way where I'm trying to impress anybody, that I was in the Navy, and on a submarine. So a lot of what I do, even though in a lot of ways, my experiences there weren't exactly a success, is influenced by those four years. This is a huge chunk of my time that trust me, I can totally account for, and I look at things a little different because of it. That said, having done a lot of things I didn't want to, but doing everything I've meant to, I know am not exactly sure why people insist on making other people do things they don't want to, or worse do something they don't give a damn about.

Yeah, I'm talking about the Pledge of Allegiance, here in Fla., suddenly a hotbed for liberal, activist jurists (and where were you cockasses in 2000?). Apparently it isn't Constitutional to make somebody say the Pledge. Hell yeah it isn't. Jesus, how obvious is this one? Pretty much every shitty country ever has had some sort of pledge. Patriotism is okay. Nationalism is dangerous. Nationalism gets you into the Hitler Youth, and then you can never, ever be Pope... Wait. Well you sure regretted toting around that ceremonial dagger. Not everybody wanting to say the Pledge is a good thing.

The crack pollsters at WSVN tackled the problem. For those of you not familiar with the South Florida media, Channel 7 is the absolutely most sensational TV news ever. No bias or anything like that. Just all crazy. I'm pretty sure those crazy fuckers are in denial about the hurricanes last year. I mean that they are all still actively trying to convince the rest of South Florida that New Orleans is gone. When I was a kid one of their correspondents lived behind us. His name was Don Dare. Don FUCKING Dare. Well if anybody could convince me that the Superdome had become a sort of Mad Max people wearing the white plastic armor bastion of freedom, it would be some guy named Don Dare. Of course he has bonus cred because once there must have been a real stunner of a story, because the Chennel 7 Helicopter landed in the field next to our houses.

Anyway, Channel 7 had a survery, about -100% scientific, where they decided that 76% of the whole world decided kids should be forced to say the Pledge of Allegiance. I guess the real problem is that maybe there's some shit going on that some people aren't so proud of, and that kids get a chance to point that out EVERYDAY before they learn about most, or at least many of our fine, fine states, well that hurts a little. Jesus, even if everybody says it, and every Iraqi too, aren't we fucking up a whole bunch of stuff? Do I say it? Yeah, sure. Stand for the Anthem, the whole nine. But that doesn't mean that everything's all better.

Rummy, just today, after some Marines were judged to be NOT insane random, or worse, focused and hateful, killers, said that 99.9% of the troops in Iraq and Afghanistan are doing a fantastic job. I'm sure he's right. Hell, that's the first thing he's been write about in about forever. But here's the thing...there's about 130,000 troops JUST in Iraq. Yeah, first of all, that's a number we forget from time to time, so there's the reminding. Second of all, that means that there's still .1% over there that are absolutely wacko. That's a hundred and thirty nutballs heavily armed and prolly a step away from being the crazy Australian guy in Commando. Is that better than say, hmm... Any city in America? Yeah. But it's not good enough if we're going to occupy a whole country. They don't even need reasons to hate us, and here we are stacking them up like there was a sale. Yes, please take your reason to hate us from the top of the stack, otherwise you will get covered by an avalanche of dumb.

Fuck man, the kid that used his dog to torture people didn't get any prison time. Yeah, hard labor is no fun. He's not going to get to buff floors. He's screwed, because he discredited America. He did a hell of a lot worse than not say the Pledge. He took a great big bowl of asshole and threw it at us, and now we're all just a little more of an asshole. Thanks for that. You know what? That dipstick shouldn't be able to say the Pledge. His Pledge priveleges are revoked...Just ask Marcellus Wallace.

But some high school kid doesn't want to? Well hell, he doesn't even need a reason. The chances of some twit in high school having a sincere, thought out position on the matter are pretty slim. He's just being a dick. Honestly, he prolly loves shit music like Godsmack. Or worse, his parents are dicks and he's just dumb. But you know what, if Johnny Yuma (the Rebel...keep up, I swear) makes kids that can form sincere and thoughtful positions do just that, then these kids are going to be all right. And if you, yourself Johnny, have a little soul, then kudos. Welcome aboard. The Navy is looking for conscientious citizens like you...