Call Michelle Rodriguez

This is sort of a speculative fiction/magazine clipping collage. It's compelling and creepy all at once, but most of all, you know, who could know you better than your stalker. Okay, I have never stalked you. I'm barely a faithful watcher of Lost and really, other than Girl Fight, it's really just always you, Michelle Rodriguez. But Michelle Rodriguez is hot. I mean filthy wonderful hot. Of course, this is all 100% true.

I just wanted you to know, baby, that I know why you opted for jail. It's obvious to me.

There was probably a Yakuza crime boss in the same jail, being held under an alias for some geedunk charge like public intoxication or something, and you knew the only way you could kill him was by yourself becoming an inmate.

Honestly, for purely selfish reasons, I wish you jumped bail. Michelle Rodriguez vs. The Dog. That should be a network.

Live the movie, girl.

I can imagine you on Celebrity Poker, and yeah, bored as hell, you fall asleep. And Dave Foley, a funny motherfucker, well he gets too cute. He wakes you up, "Put your shoes back on, we're at Gammie's..." Throat punch. That should be a whole other network.

Somehow you just know that James Woods is working out a plan for you and Michael Madsen join him and break Katie and Suri out. Leave the baby, Michelle. Babies just slow you down. James Woods can't say it, but I can. He has to seem all caring because he want's to tag Katie, but this mission is going to fail if we bring that kid. Honestly, that kid's eyes glossed over when Xenu inspired Tom to name her. That first syllable... "Let's call her Su..." This should be a trilogy released each winter, but for four years because you could beat 3 into 4. You hear that 3? She's coming for you.

It's just that if somebody in Hollywood needed to kill somebody, I know that you'd be the first call. That's a huge responsibility. I bet once you get an agent, they give you like a checklist on a laminated card, for when the shit really hits the fan, and the last item on that checklist is 'Do NOT call your agent! Call Michelle Rodriguez.' Hell yeah, babe. Bold, underline, caps, except that I can't underline here because people will think it's a link, and they'd break their mouse trying to get you to clean up their messes. But you're no hero. You're no angel. You're not equipped to solve regular problems. You're not some sort of Everyman's Everytool. You're a Swiss Army Scapel. You're finely crafted and singular in purpose. Unlike the unicorn in The Glass Menagerie, you're special exactly because you don't have a corkscrew.

You protect our heroes and angels.